Back with a special guest – Talli Roland on shaping up to be a writer

September 18, 2011

You may have noticed (or not!) that I’ve been AWOL for a few weeks. I’ve been on holiday to France and Cornwall but I’m back with a brilliant guest post from author, Talli Roland, on shaping up to be a writer (not that she needs it!)

How to Avoid Writer’s Arse

As a full-time writer, I’m lucky that I don’t need to go out to work – or brush my hair, get dressed, and endure getting up close and personal with someone’s armpit on the Tube. No, I can roll right out of bed, throw on my fluffy slippers and robe, and head straight to my desk for another day within the heady proximity of the fridge. The only downside to this Nirvana? The threat of an ever-expanding butt.

To combat this, I’ve developed a handy set of exercises for writers. No need to embrace the great outdoors – or even get off your chair! Now, you too can have the svelte frame of a commuter, without the commute! Are you ready? Here we go!

The five-fingered salute. Every so often, lift your fingers from the keyboard and make a fist. Open and close your digits several times in quick succession. This is even better when performed near a window in proximity of passers-by to encourage social interaction.

March like you mean it. The ideal exercise to release any frustration when your characters just don’t behave. Sitting on a chair, lift one knee in the air and bring your foot down firmly on the ground, then do the same with your other knee. Repeat for five minutes – or as long as your downstairs neighbours will allow. When you’re finished, you won’t care anymore about your characters’ misdemeanors. You’ll only care about impending repairs needed to the floorboards.

The burning butt-clench. Designed to encourage circulation after long periods of sitting, this exercise has the added benefit of making anyone around you question your need for the loo. Sitting comfortably, lift one buttock off the chair, and clench the cheek that’s touching the surface. Hold for twenty seconds, then repeat with the other butt cheek. You should feel a burning desire never to do this exercise again.

The navel gaze. Tilt your head slowly downwards until your chin touches your chest. Hold for thirty minutes – or until you drift off. This position allows observers to believe you’re engaged in deep thought, while elongating your neck muscles. Repeat until observers get bored and depart.

So there you have it! My tried and true methods to maintaining your shape while keeping your manuscript moving ahead.

Thanks, Talli for the tips – and I need them all!

Talli Roland has three loves in her life: chick lit, coffee and wine. Born and raised in Canada, Talli now lives in London, where she savours the great cultural life (coffee and wine). Despite training as a journalist, Talli soon found she preferred making up her own stories – complete with happy endings. Her first novel, The Hating Game, was an Amazon UK best-seller, remaining in the top 100 for almost three months, and she’s just released her second, Watching Willow Watts. Talli blogs here and can be found on Twitter here.

Comments

1. On September 18th, 2011 at 6:04 am
   Liz Fenwick Says:
   

   This post should come with a ‘don’t drink while reading’…my keyboard is now covered in coffee!

   Great post.

   lx

2. On September 18th, 2011 at 1:46 pm
   Talli Roland Says:
   

   Phillipa, thanks so much for hosting me!

   And thank you, Liz. I’m glad you enjoyed it, even if your keyboard didn’t! 🙂

3. On September 18th, 2011 at 2:01 pm
   Julie Day Says:
   

   Talli, from seeing you on Saturday, your exercises seem to work on you. But maybe you shouldn’t do them whilst typing, as you could get letters all over the screen.

4. On September 18th, 2011 at 3:21 pm
   Suz Says:
   

   Ha! I think I’ll pass on the navel gazing exercise, but god knows I need to do the rest to shrink my massive writer’s butt.

5. On September 18th, 2011 at 3:50 pm
   Melanie Robertson-King Says:
   

   Great post! I hope your keyboard survives its dousing in coffee, Liz.
   I’m still giggling here over the exercises. I think my favourite is the infamous burning butt clench.

6. On September 18th, 2011 at 6:05 pm
   Janice Says:
   

   Nope. Nope. Nope. Tried it but none of it works.

   Love, Janice xx (in traction)

7. On September 19th, 2011 at 1:00 pm
   Talli Roland Says:
   

   Julie, thank you! It’s all down to these exercises, I tell you.

   But Suz, the navel gazing is the most fun! 🙂

   Melanie, the butt clench seems to work… for the time being, anyway!

   Janice, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Hope you sort out the traction…

8. On September 20th, 2011 at 5:04 am
   J.C. Martin Says:
   

   Thank you for featuring Talli, Phillipa! Those workouts made me laugh, but I’m sure they are writer’s arse-busting!